Dreams Start With Patience #56

Reading time: 5 minutes

The start of the year felt like "hopium"—I was drunk on the idea of hope for a better year.

What this looked like in reality:

• More money

• Quality time with quality loved ones

• Improved aspects of health and fitness

As time went on and roadblocks piled up, it didn’t occur to me that I was operating inside strict rational thought and analytical devices. It made my persona rigid and hard to be around. My fears consistently stuck out when interacting with me. I could feel my relationships hanging on by a thread.

One bar patron told me, "You are negative all the time."

It hit me like a truck.

In my mind, I wasn’t "negative." I was rational and logical.

I had created this identity in my head that completely fell short of trust in my ability to feel.

I am proud of the person I am in 2025.

Here's how everything transpired:

The Year Start

I quit my workplace where I had been taking on a significant workload for quite some time.

The job paid well. The bills were intact, but it kept me from doing "more."

The long hours never favored my art. I felt exhausted for the past three years juggling creative pursuits with a 9-5.

The beauty of the year's start was the love of my life starting her first "big girl" job.

These areas of life—when rebirth occurs—keep me on the edge of my seat.

In April, I quit my job in pursuit of something more fulfilling. I decided to start bartending at the local bar and grill where my little sister works.

Instantly, I found myself working harder than ever with fewer hours and a newfound sense of community among the people there.

They're wonderful. I continued to meet so many personalities and hear plenty of insightful stories.

Then, Tragedy Struck.

Just when I thought the ideas of self-improvement and self-actualization were working, I looked inward and didn’t like the person I had become.

It was hard. I looked at myself in the mirror and never enjoyed what I saw.

My mentality was "off"—overcome with fear and doubt.

"Who am I?"

I didn’t know myself. What became apparent was that I had been doing the whole "monkey see, monkey do" thing.

The past two years of my life, I was trying hard to be something I was not.

In hindsight, the beauty of living in the present was eluding me.

"We do not know what kind of people we truly are until the moment before our deaths."
—Itachi Uchiha

I’ve had this quote on my wall for 5 years now - only now does it make sense.

I Still Don't Know What I'm Doing.

I still make mistakes.

I still mess up.

I still get angry, sad, and have negative thoughts running rampant.

The difference today?

• I know how to heal myself.

• I know how to apologize and forgive.

• I know the resistance inside of me is never about other people.

2024 proved to me that life is just a mirror.

The outward effects of this physical reality imply separation in my internal state.

I am simply who I am supposed to be.

Right here. Right now.

Here's the Story of How I Learned to Be.

November 21st, in Austin, Texas—surrounded by strangers.

“Courage is not simply one of the virtues but the form of every virtue at the testing point, which means at the point of highest reality.”
—C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

Throughout my life, the idea of "solo-traveling" terrified me.

I justified it with: "Why would I travel alone? I want to see the world with people I love."

This holds true, but I also realize how it has affected my ability to grow outward.

By Stepping Into Courage...

I went to film and document a men’s retreat in Austin, Texas.

I could never have imagined how this beautiful experience would unfold into a dramatic impact on my life.

It’s been two months since then, and I’m still feeling the effects of finding individuals who seemingly knew me better than I knew myself.

It was difficult at first, you know?

To be vulnerable with strangers.

But the environment, the food, the sunlight, and the tribe mentality were healing for me in so many ways.

I went there to work—and ended up leaving with lifelong friends and new beliefs about myself.

All by letting go of my survival-mode instincts and tapping into courage.

The Hardest Weekend of My Life.

I didn't know anyone there.

I was one of the youngest guys.

Hell, I might have even had the lowest net worth there too.
(Not relevant—just funny.)

This weekend showed me who/what I was holding onto.

It also gave me a picture of who I am—without the fear and doubt.

I watched magic and miracles unfold all around me.

Jack and Cameron (the retreat hosts)...

...gave me the space and freedom creatively to use my gifts.

Most of the work I did this year (for free) was all video work.

At the start of the year, I wanted to build my portfolio and continue helping those who have helped me in the past.

I didn’t know it at the time, but these projects were exactly what I needed to create to prove myself to Jack when the time came for his first retreat.

Divine Timing Is Everything.

And it all comes from the ability to trust yourself.

In this new year, the word commit continues to ring aloud and clear.

To rest. To heal. To allow new events to unfold.

I Thought I Had So Much Figured Out.

The truth?

I was blind to my own ignorance.

I saw life as fragile and short-lived.

It forced me to act out of arrogance and urgency with big decisions.

I Am Just Grateful to the Divine for One Simple Fact.

I didn’t mess up my relationship with Daisy.

There were tough times over the years. Moments of calling it quits over little things.

But after this retreat, everything became crystal-clear.

I Came Home and Proposed to the Love of My Life.

And I finally saw myself with love and worthiness.

My personal relationships began to flourish.

As Far as I'm Concerned...

Everything happened exactly the way it was supposed to.

Yes, I left with illusions of how life "should" be.

Yes, I came home with grace and love for all living beings.

This Changed Me Fundamentally.

I'm curious to see how it has affected my writing.

In the New Year Now...

I accept change as the only constant in my life.

I am committed to the woman of my dreams.

I am committed to my plan to become a master builder in whatever domain I pursue.

Right now, every creation looks perfect because...

It is.

Thanks for reading <3
-Zachariah